Does the thought of sex after kids leave you feeling more exhausted than excited?
Look, we know that most couples sex lives take a dive right after the baby is born. And that’s totally normal!
You need time to heal from childbirth. Plus with the sleepless nights, breastfeeding challenges, and hormonal roller coaster going on in your body, sex after kids isn’t going to be number one on your to-do list (pun intended).
But what if your baby is now 9 months or even a year old and things still aren’t happening in the bedroom?
Heck, what if you’ve reached toddlerhood and any thoughts of romance are buried beneath piles of dirty laundry, work meetings, and overpacked schedules…what then?
Well then, if we’re being really honest, you might have a problem. You might have entered….THE ROOMMATE ZONE.
And trust us, this definitely is someplace you DO NOT want to be.
Sex After Kids
Dangers Of The Roommate Zone
A growing number of couples find themselves living together as roommates.
They go to work, take care of the kids and maintain a social life. Making it seem from the outside looking in that they are a happy couple.
The only issue is when it comes to romance, there ain’t nothing going on.
Researchers estimate that almost 20% of married couples are in sexless relationships.
And this number doesn’t include those couples who still have sex, but are emotionally disconnected from one another.
No one starts out wanting to be roommates with their spouse. But after kids come along, once passionate couples may find their connection has slowly eroded into routine and indifference.
Roommates do all the work of a marriage, without getting any of the perks.
These partners report feeling unloved, undesired, or taken for granted.
This makes everyday challenges and stressors hard to handle, and can leave a person feeling bitter, resentful and angry. Which only perpetuates the cycle.
These issues only get worse when the kids get older and start to spend more and more time away from the house. The two of you may find yourself looking at each other and saying “now what?”
Don’t let this happen!
Don’t wait until the kids are older to address a lack of intimacy and connection in your relationship because if you do, chances are it may be too late.
What Causes Roommate Syndrome
How do couples that start out as passionate, loving, and romantic end up living together as roommates?
There are two reasons marriage counselors see most often; neglect and unresolved anger.
With neglect, partners focus their time and energy on everything BUT their relationship, causing it to fall to the bottom of their priority list.
Having a family forces you to refocus resources you used to spend on one another (time, energy, money) on your children.
The problem is that your supply of resources remains the same, it’s just the demand that increases. And it increases a LOT, thanks to little ones who need a ton of attention.
Also In Beenke: Sex After Childbirth: Get Back To Getting It On
The second reason relationships slide into the roommate zone, and one many couples are not aware of, is unresolved anger.
It’s inevitable in a long term relationship that anger will happen. The problem occurs when people allow angry feelings to pile up without addressing them in a healthy way.
“Unresolved anger kills romance. It’s as simple as that.”
Many couples, after years of cruelly venting or stuffing down their feelings, find themselves separated by a wall of anger so big they can’t connect anymore.
The Warning Signs
Passionless marriages don’t just happen in a day.
Here are 6 signs to watch out for that might indicate you’re on your way to the roommate zone:
1. PDA Has Gone Out The Window
Forget about sex for a minute, oftentimes the first thing to go in a relationship that’s headed towards the roommate zone are public displays of affection.
Are you no longer holding hands, touching, or embracing?
Have you stopped looking lovingly into each other eyes when you talk?
What about kissing? Do you still share the occasional passionate kiss… or has that become awkward?
Are you down to nothing more than a quick emotionless peck on the cheek?
If any of this sounds like you, think about doing some relationship rehab…fast!
Related: Happy Marriage: 10 Sexy Secrets To Keep Passion Strong
2. You Aren’t Having Sex
If you can’t remember the last time you had sex, or you only have “special occasion” sex, like on anniversaries…it’s not a good sign.
And the more time that passes, the harder it will be to rekindle your sex life.
Also In Beenke: Never In The Mood? What Might Be Causing Your Low Sex Drive
Biologically your body will stop producing the sex hormone that makes you aroused if you go for long periods without it.
Which is one of the reasons why no sex life today can easily transition into long-term roommate syndrome.
3. You Don’t Initiate Sex
Maybe you’re having sex on occasion, but are you ever the one that initiates it? Be honest.
If your spouse is always the initiator, and you begrudgingly oblige…then there is probably a relationship problem beneath the surface that may bubble up and cause issues if left unresolved.
4. You Lead Separate Lives
You may sleep in the same bed, but that’s where your connection ends.
If you spend your days in separate circles. If everything else (work, friends, kids, travel) takes priority, then there won’t be any energy left for romance and intimacy.
Sex after kids gets exponentially more challenging if you’re spending all your time on things outside the relationship.
5. One Of You Is Distracted By Someone
If your relationship is in trouble, you or your partner may find you develop feelings for someone else – such as a co-worker or friend you’re suddenly drawn to.
If another person holds your attention, it’s usually because something is missing in the marriage.
Even if you don’t act on the feelings, the mental energy involved in an emotional affair will take attention away from your partner and can reduce the intimacy between you.
So if you find yourself or your partner paying too much attention to someone else, that might be a sign you’re heading towards the roommate zone.
6. You’ve Lost “Erotic Presence”
Esther Perel, the psychotherapist of Ted Talk fame, talks about the importance of erotic presence in a relationship.
She says that sex by itself is not enough for a healthy relationship. You could just rush through the act quickly, without intention, and it would have no real impact on intimacy.
“If people had a less narrow definition of what sex is, there would be an ability to feel more sexually connect after having kids.” – Esther Perel
Perel says what’s really important is the erotic presence – the feeling of pleasure, connection, aliveness, and vibrancy you can get from being with your partner.
If that feeling is no longer there, consider it a sign your relationship could be heading into trouble.
How To Get Back To Being Lovers
Are you in a roommate relationship and want to make a change?
Here are 6 tips for reigniting romance and getting back to being lovers:
1. Make An Effort
Good relationships don’t just happen, they take work. Complacency can kill a relationship.
Make a decision to prioritize your marriage and commit to setting aside some of your resources (time, energy, money) to do it.
See your partner with new eyes. In order to recapture romantic and loving feelings, you have to let go of old memories and resentments and try to look at each other fresh, in the present moment.
2. Plan Date Nights
Set aside some time on a regular basis where you can be alone together.
With kids in the mix, this means you are going to have to do some serious planning.
Related: 12 Hot Date Ideas Guaranteed To Sizzle
Hire a sitter, use a service like Nannies4hire, enlist the help of friends, whatever you need to do to spend one-on-one time.
It’s not just about putting it on the calendar, it’s about assigning value. You’re saying that your relationship is important!
3. Bring Back PDA
Start touching each other already!
You can start small, a little hand-holding here, a little hugging there…but make an effort to connect physically throughout your day.
And please, bring back REAL KISSING. Don’t just do the absent-minded peck, get in there and be present for a passionate kiss.
Try a little make-out session after the kids have gone to bed.
Kissing is such an intimate act, sometimes even more so than sex, we really recommend it as a way to reconnect.
4. Pay Attention To Each Other
Partners in roommate relationships often feel judged and unappreciated.
They think they are taken for granted, and their partner isn’t really listening or paying attention to what they say or do.
Related: Romance After Baby: Bringing Sexy Back
Start paying attention! Notice the little things your partner does for you.
Compliment your partner. Tell them you appreciate the things they do.
Listen intently when they’re talking and look them in the eyes. Try to understand what they are feeling.
Nothing rebuilds connection faster than affectionate attention.
5. Schedule Sex
If you’ve stopped having sex after kids all together, it’s time to get back on that horse (so to speak).
Scheduling sex may not sound…well, sexy – but sometimes it’s necessary to get the ball rolling.
Oftentimes you’ll find that apathy and neglect leave you feeling “not in the mood”. Hence the need to schedule in the time.
But once you start in with a little foreplay and kissing, you may discover you ARE in the mood after all.
Plus sex is one of those things that tends to be self-sustaining.
When you’re not having sex, you don’t think about it as much. But once you start, you tend to have it more.
6. Manage Your Anger
Anger is just an emotion, there is nothing inherently good or bad about it.
The trouble in a relationship happens when people don’t manage their anger in a healthy way.
If you lash out at your partner and say things you later regret, or stifle your anger and try to pretend that it doesn’t exist, there’s probably a lot of resentment that needs to be resolved.
Don’t ignore it! Talk it out with your partner in a non-blaming or attacking way.
And if you can’t do that, then find a marriage counselor who can help you. There’s no shame in talking to a qualified counselor!
They’re trained to handle this kind of stuff, without judgment or shame. Helping couples have fulfilling sex after kids is right up their alley.
It may be just the thing you need to get you out of the roommate zone and back to being lovers.
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