Back in the day, people weren’t too concerned with being a patient parent. It was pretty much “do as you’re told, or ELSE!”
But nowadays, when research has shown again and again that children with patient, nurturing parents are less likely to be depressed, have more developed brains, and handle stress better; positive parenting is the new gold standard.
That doesn’t make it any easier.
“How to be a better mom” is a high-ranking Google search term and I think we all know why. Who hasn’t googled it after a stressful day that ended in screaming and tears?
I feel your frustration, believe me. I have first-hand experience in the difficulties of being a patient mom.
My son was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and ADHD, which means the boy can definitely be a handful.
Some days my child really gives me a run for my money in the patience department.
But of course, he can also be delightful, cute, and infinitely adorable… which only furthers my resolve to keep trying and doing what I can to learn how to be a better mom.
Bottom line, being patient with your kids is hard, but it’s also an important and worthwhile goal.
To help, here’s 7 tips for becoming a more patient mom.
Keep em’ close for the next time your little angels push you to the edge. You’ll be glad to have these parenting tips handy.
How To Be A Better Mom
1. Keep Things In Perspective
Right out of the gate I think it’s important to keep things in perspective.
Relax a little about your parenting skills, we assure you they’re not as bad as you think!
The truth is that you can do all the ‘right parenting’, and children will still act up and drive you nuts. At the end of the day, we have to remember we’re dealing with kids, not adults.
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Young brain’s are still not fully developed. The capacity to reason doesn’t develop until the age of five to seven, and the prefrontal lobes aren’t completely wired in until kids reach their early twenties.
So cut yourself a some slack! With age and maturity will come more understanding.
You can’t expect kids to demonstrate emotional maturity that they just don’t have. Know that it will come in time.
2. Give Yourself A Break
It seems counterintuitive, but if you want to know how to be a better mom; you need to think about how to take better care of yourself.
If you are with the kids ALL THE TIME, and you never get a chance to refuel your mind and body, you’re bound to run out of patience.
You’ve heard of being “hangry” right? Where you get so hungry you’re angry…it’s a real thing!
So be sure you eat something and hydrate before trying to deal with your child’s behavior. It’ll instantly lighten your mood.
You also need to practice a little self-care and take some time for yourself. And no, this doesn’t make you selfish!
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Taking some “me time” to recharge your batteries and boost your mental health gives you the perspective that makes it possible to be a more patient mom.
Have hubby or a friend watch the kids for a bit and go for a walk, get a manicure, take a bath…whatever you need to do to relax and unwind.
You’ll feel refreshed and better able to keep it together when the kids act up.
3. Understand The Why
This is one of the core principles of positive parenting when it comes to learning how to be a better mom.
Most kids don’t act up because they’re out of control or defiant, they act up for a specific reason. It’s our jobs as parents to figure out the why.
When I realized my son was usually crying, not listening, or misbehaving because he was tired, overwhelmed, feeling sick, or needing more attention; it completely changed my perspective.
It helped me realize that it wasn’t just a behavioral problem that needed to be fixed, but a need that wasn’t being met. And as soon as that need was met the negative behavior usually stopped.
Taking time to talk it out with your kids and figure out the why will help you understand them better, which results in a lot more patience.
4. Lower Your Voice
This is a simple tactic in theory, but hard in practice.
It’s SO EASY to start screaming at the kids when they’re misbehaving or not listening; but this only escalates the situation even more.
We all know it’s impossible to never yell at your kids. But it is definitely possible to make a concentrated effort to yell less.
The next time you find yourself getting ready to yell, take a deep breath and try lowering your voice instead.
Honestly, when you transition from a scream to a low, calm and direct speaking voice it kinda throws the kids off a little and can make them stop and look at you.
Once you’ve got their attention, you can have a better conversation that helps you uncover the why behind whatever it is they’re doing. It also models self-control to to your kids.
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Now obviously if your child in full blown tantrum mode, this isn’t going to work. You’ll need to do some additional calming techniques, like eye contact and a hug first.
Then once they’re out of the red zone, you can talk to them in your deep, soothing patient mom voice.
5. Take A Time-Out
If you find yourself so exasperated you can’t think clearly, you may need to put yourself on a mommy time-out.
Before you lash out or lose it completely, try taking a few deep breaths and counting to ten.
Our natural breathing response when we’re angry is to take sharp breaths, so by breathing in and out slowly you short-circuit this process, which can calm you down pretty quickly.
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It’s also okay to walk away from a situation and come back to it when you are in more control. Particularly if you’re kids are a little older.
Let your kids know “mommy’s mad right now, so I’m going to take a few minutes to calm down. Then we’ll figure out how to solve this.”
6. Practice Patience
Patience is a skill, and like any other skill it gets better with practice. Visualization is a great patience boosting tool!
If you can rehearse typical triggers in your mind and imagine yourself handling them in a calm and collected manner, you train your brain to automatically retain more self-control under actual stress.
Related: Anger Management For Parents: Keeping It Together
Another great way to practice patience is to let your kids complete a task without you taking over.
I know you want to step in and “do it the right way”… but try to resist the urge to interfere.
Practicing this kind of help-delay builds your impulse control. It also encourages your kids’ independence and feelings of self-esteem.
7. Get Help If You Need It
And finally, don’t try and go it alone. Get help if and when you need it!
This can be as simple as having your partner take over the kid wrangling periodically so you can recharge. Or hiring a babysitter or nanny to get you the break you need.
It can also mean getting support from other moms who are dealing with similar issues. This is particularly true if your child has special needs, or is on the spectrum.
Finding a support network of like-minded women is like tapping into a GOLDMINE of positive parenting wisdom. This is one of the best ways I’ve found to learn how to be a better mom.
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And if you ever feel like your child’s behavior issue go beyond what you can effectively handle, then don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor or other health care professional.
Your child may have an undiagnosed learning disability or sensory issue that isn’t being treated.
If you need professional help – get it! That’s what they’re there for, and it can be life changing.
Getting my son’s diagnosis and getting him to an occupational therapist that could help both him and I was a game changer. His school experience improved significantly as a result.
It’s true what they say, patience is a virtue. And it’s something every parent can improve on with practice.
Some people think that being a more patient, positive parent will result in children that are disrespectful and undisciplined. But in truth, it’s quite the opposite.
Patient parenting is about learning to deal with behavior issues in a respectful, loving way while maintaining your authority.
When I was looking for “how to be a better mom”, that’s the answer I wanted.
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